5 years ago, in the thick of the pandemic, a phone call on the night of Easter Monday would change my life. My father, who was in London at the time, was pronounced dead by the plague that ravished the earth.

I howled a scream as the deep sorrow shattered the foundations of my soul. Nothing ever prepares one for the depth of the pain. Nothing.

The next day, I was scheduled to train a virtual class. In a bid to keep busy during the lockdown I had launched 6 HRpreneur courses. I had taken 2 the previous week and there were  4 more to go. How I chose to continue to deliver them, till this day I do not understand, because I was shattered.

My heart was broken in a zillion pieces. I had not picked any phone calls nor was I speaking to anyone.  I was a zombie, yet I somehow chose to show up, teaching everything I knew about starting an HR consulting business to strangers online. I lived in denial for so long, it shook my core.

I lost relationships I once valued. I gained some too. I almost lost myself. I lost a part of me. A broken heart from grief leaves a permanent hole. You learn to cope but you never fully heal. Especially when you were already fractured before the tragedy.

I did pick up myself but not to the same place. I see things differently. My rose tinted glasses now see shades of gray.

Anyway, why am I recalling this time to memory? The time was a paradox of sadness and purpose.

Grief ridden, I still felt I was on an important mission. In as much I had struggled with the mental and emotional demands of my work life, I had acomplished something a lot of people desired to do. What many did not have the courage to do; I had taken my career into my own hands. I had taken the rough road less travelled.

I had built an actual business on my own terms. I had maintained autonomy and independence in my career life. I had a flexible schedule to accomodate my family and travels while still doing meaningful work that afforded me a decent lifestyle.

I did hard things that tested the core of my spirit. I faced harsh, instant judgement and criticism by employees, professional colleagues, friends and acquaintances. I judged myself even harder. The toil.

Rather than cut myself some slack, I pushed myself beyond mental limits. Ravaged in mental suffering. Where I pushed others it was because I pushed myself even harder. Where I caused suffering, I suffered even more.

This affected how I showed up. Times I wished I did not care so much. Times I hated myself for having high standards, pushing too hard, wanting it too much. Times, I was convinced I was failing or had failed…but…there are indeed no failures, only lessons.

The outcome not perfect, rather flamed in passion albeit somewhat destroyed in execution. The intention, always noble, for a greater good. To make a positive difference, while providing value for others; employees, contractors and thousands of professional lives. Developing the HR profession, HR professionals and business leaders.

Today, I want to thank God for the life he gave me. To remind myself that despite my shortcomings, I did my best and I meant well. Where I could do better I did. Where I didn’t, I couldn’t. Not at the time. Not even now, because I am human, perfectly, imperfect.

Today, recognising the value of here and now. I reflect.

What a privilege to live and learn, to figure things out. A never ending process, till my maker takes me home.

Note to self. April 2025

Ps: I found this piece in my note pad, one of my many reflections. I hope it helps someone.

#cross #career #entrepreneurstruggles #heart #mind