It’s been a battle, a miserable one at that. While many people openly accept a leadership position, I have constantly fought it.
My natural self goes left when everyone else is going right. I am at my best when I feel I am free. Free to speak and free to act. I don’t like being controlled or caged.
In teams, I am your jolly good floor member, but a miserable leader. I find managing people and operations a chore. Though I make friend easily, I find that I prefer being independent of teams, I work better with other experts on project teams and I work very well alone.
I am as introverted as I am extroverted. A lot of people don’t realise that I am as high as I am low. If I am on a high for 3 days dissipating energy, I need 3 days of introspection to retreat and recover. I am open and I am closed.
I have no desire to lead, yet I have an innate desire to influence change. Does that even make sense? Isn’t leadership about influence and change? Therein lies the battle I have faced for the last 10 years.
Unlike many founders, when I started Kendor Consulting, I had no desire, nor plan to be a CEO. Kendor served as a vehicle to channel my creativity. I didn’t know any other way to package my ideas, so I founded a company.
When I look back at my journals from 2003 to 2009, the year Kendor Consulting was founded. I see my scribbles of whom I wanted to be. I see, Consultant, Expert, Influencer, Trainer, Independent, Facilitator, Author, I don’t see CEO.
If I saw the job for Kendor Consulting CEO, I would never apply, for me it is not so much that I don’t qualify to be CEO, I genuinely had no interest.
In 2018, I was so troubled that I went to see a therapist, I was diagnosed with moderate depression. The cause of my depresdion was very well known to me. I was in a state of constant conflict with whom I felt I was versus what I was.
The assessment I took revealed two things, one of which I always knew, that I had a very high sense of self awareness. In fact, I was commended and told I was almost too self aware. Adora knows herself. I can tell you all my strengths and weaknesses in 2 minutes without batting an eyelid.
On the flip side, the results revealed something I never knew about myself, a real shocker, the cause of my misery; the inability to accept my reality. I had scored very low in accepting the reality of my situation.
I paused for a bit, to let it sink in…I was miserable because I refused to accept the reality of the situation which was that regardless of whether I desired to lead or not, I was in a leadership position. For crying out loud, I founded a firm which has survived for 10 years, I was responsible for its vision and mission. I was responsible for ensuring the viability of the organisation and its staff. Regardless of whether I wanted to or not, that was my reality. And if I wanted to change it, I definitely could, but for now, at that moment in time, whether I accepted it or not, I occupied the position of CEO. Adora, get over it. What a hot slap in my face. Jesus!
It was the inner conflict that was causing the misery and the misery was long and painful one that I had suffered for so long.
This was about a year ago. Yes, it has taken a year for that message to sink in.
I have finally accepted my position, 10 years later. And because I have accepted it, I can finally do something about it. I have taken control of a situation that I lost control of.
I have accepted the reality. Now I can work on changing it.
For the first time in 10 years, I am hiring a management team for Kendor Consulting. The company Adora founded 10 years ago has transcended Adora, now Adora has to do the needful, put in the right structure so that both Kendor Consulting and Adora can thrive.
And now I truly understand the quote that says ‘God does not call the qualified, he qualifies the called.’
I know God will qualify me, because he called me.
Have you ever battled inner conflict? How did you manage it?